Act 2, Scene 1

"I can't believe it!" Mercutio giggled.  "He's finally dead!"

Benvolio felt like ripping Mercutio apart, but he didn't because he was a hippie. "That's not funny," he said instead.  "Romeo was my cousin... and it was so obvious that that stupid stripper was a lesbian!  I swear, he had no gaydar!"

"No, really?" Mercutio said sarcastically.  "I really didn't notice!"

"Quit mocking me.  I'm depressed as it is."

Mercutio jumped around Benvolio in circles while singing, "Cheer up, emo duck!  Cheer up so the sun can shine and the birds can sing!"

"They will only mock me just as you do," Benvolio sighed.

Mercutio slapped Benvolio across the face.  "Don't you dare go emo like Romeo did!  You're the only main character that's a dude left in this story besides that dumb cat king guy...."

"Well, maybe you'd be better off with him," Benvolio suggested.  

"I'm allergic.  To cats," Mercutio reminded his friend.

"Oh... well, do you know where Romeo's funeral will be?"

Mercutio shrugged.  "I think they're just gonna throw him in a hole and call it good."

"Well, that's horrible..." Benvolio said sadly.  "But... will there be food?"

Mercutio nodded.

"Oh, well then it's not so bad."

And, for the millionth time, the nurse randomly came into the scene to scream her head off.  This reminded Mercutio of what he had learned from her the other day so he stuck out his tongue and shoved it up his nose.  

"Ew!  What the friggle?!" Benvolio shouted, only slightly grossed out.

"She taught me how to do this last night!  But... she taught it in a weird way," Mercutio explained.  "Wait, what's a friggle?"

"I dunno," Benvolio said with a shrug.  "But the weird blond author kept saying it at Pizza Hut last night."

"Oh," Mercutio said as he looked around for the nurse.  But she was gone!  And there were cats everywhere!

"ATTACK, MY PRETTIES!" a man screamed from the back of a giant kitty.

"Tybalt?!" Mercutio cried.

The man nodded.  "It is I!  Tybalt!  The messiah!  And I demand to see Romeo!"

"But... Romeo killed himself," Benvolio explained.

Tybalt thought for a moment, trying to decide on what to do next.  Then he finally screamed, "THEN I SHALL KILL YOU!  BWAHAHAHA!"

Mercutio took his chance and dove at the giant kitty to punch its nose in with his fists.  "I hate you.  I hate cats.  I hate you!" he screamed violently.

Benvolio waved his arms in the air screaming, "Don't fight!  Don't fight!"  But Mercutio was already struck down by the giant kitty.  Benvolio stared, then glared up at the cat. "This is why I'm a DOG person!" he shouted more at Mercutio than anyone else.

Tybalt cackled and had the cat swipe Mercutio's body to the side. "Dogs suck!" he claimed.

"Lies!" Benvolio screamed and jumped up, kicking Tybalt off the cat ninja style.

"...Holy CRAP, I didn't know you were a ninja!" Tybalt shouted, landing on his butt. "I thought you were a hippie!"

Benvolio just glared and ninja kicked the giant cat into the wall. Tybalt threw a rock and hit Benvolio in the head with it. The "hippie" turned and barked at the cat prince.

Tybalt stood, and took out his rapier. "En guard, pooch!" Benvolio took out his own sword, and they fought... badass style. A crowd gathered to watch the fight, and chanted, "Fight, fight, fight!"

Randomly, the nurse threw a ball of yarn into the fray. "GO TYBALT, MY SON. KILL THE DOG!"

Tybalt's eyes grew wide, and crawled after the yarn. "Striiiing!" He giggled like a little school girl, playing with the string. Benvolio blinked and kicked the yarn into a well. The Prince of Cats jumped into the well after the ball of string, yowling all the way down.

Benvolio put his sword away and then frowned, looking around. "... Where's Mercutio's body?" he cried and lost all his badass-ness as he fell to his knees and bawled, mourning Meructio's death.
"Noooo!" He screamed. "I'm the only male main character left! And all the hot women are lesbians! Curse you Tybaaalt!" He threw a rock into the well. "I hate you!" he said like a kid having a tantrum. "I want my friend... " He pouted and just sat there. (Wow, this is getting emotional.)

The nurse, meanwhile, stood over the edge of the well. "Tybalt! The messiah! You must save the world from Domino's pizza!" She jumped after him and probably died.

". . .Now that's just ridiculous." Benvolio commented, and continued to pout. "... I don't wanna be narcissistic like Romeo!"