Act 1, Scene 3  (Outside the Pizza Hut)

"Romeo must go!  Romeo must go see pretty lady!" Romeo cried.

Rosaline smiled.  "I have to go see a pretty lady too!" she giggled, and then she ran back into the Pizza Hut.  

Romeo tried to follow Rosaline back into the Pizza Hut, but Tybalt stepped out from behind the door and slammed it in his face.  But right before he closed the door, Romeo spotted a fat, orange, bipolar cat on his shoulder.  It hissed, and then it was gone.  

"Juliet!" Romeo sang as he jumped over a random orchard wall into Juliet's backyard.  As soon as he was over the wall, Romeo ran toward a light that floated high above the ground.  "Juliet, Juliet, Juliet, I'm coming to stalk you... because you still have my corndog!"

Romeo paused as he neared Juliet's balcony (which he somehow knew was hers) due to hearing screaming as well as Britney Spears' hit song, Gimme More.  Romeo was appalled.  But... the tune was catchy.  And he started to dance.  Feverishly!  

"Juliet!" he screamed.  "Gimme more!"

Juliet walked out onto the balcony in a nightgown.  "What the hell do you want?" she called down to him.

"I want to marry you!" Romeo cried.  "You are the sun... or something.  And I'm... the moon?  A flower?  I don't know!  I'm not a poet!"

"Uh... Romeo... you're really not my type," Juliet finally admitted.

"But at the party, you know, at Pizza Hut... you burped in my mouth!" Romeo reminded her.  "You said you loved me!"

Juliet crossed her arms.  "When did I say that?"

"In... my dream."

"Queen Mab is a liar.  She's... lonely.  And old.  And besides, porn dreams never come true."

Romeo didn't want to believe Juliet's words.  "I'll make this dream come true, Juliet!" he promised and started climbing the vegetation that had grown on the wall in order to get up to the balcony.  But about halfway there, he saw Rosaline behind Juliet.  Surprised, he dropped from the balcony and looked up to say, "Threesome?"

"Umm... not quite," Juliet stammered.

"Wait... a foursome?"

"NO!" Rosaline roared.  "MY GIRL!  MINE!  MINE, MINE, MY PRECIOUS!"

Romeo stared up at the balcony with big, sad eyes.  "Why must you torture me so?"

Juliet grinned.  "Because it's kinda funny to see you..."

"Suffer," Rosaline finished.

Romeo burst out crying.  "But I don't understand!"

In order to simplify things for Romeo, Juliet made a PowerPoint explaining that she was a lesbian and couldn't love Romeo.  At the end of the slideshow, Romeo was still slightly confused.  "But... who's your lover?" he asked.

"I'll give you three guesses," Juliet told him.

Romeo thought for a moment.  "Me?" he guessed.

"No."

"The nurse?"

Juliet wanted to slap herself.  "Hell NO!"

"What about... you know... that one girl... from Nebraska..."

"Which one?" Juliet asked.

Romeo shrugged.  "One of the authors of this crazy story.  I think it starts with like, an L..."

"They're off limits," Juliet said, sounding disappointed.  "The nurse already tried for the nutty blond one.  I tried for the one in glasses, but... it didn't work out.  She said that she can't be with a fictional character that existed five hundred years before her time."

"And... what do your parents think about you being a lesbian?" Romeo asked.

Juliet glanced over at her lover, and then she said, "They... don't really know yet."

Romeo laughed evilly.  "Then I shall tell them, and you shall never be allowed to leave your house again!  You shall... wait."

"What?"

Romeo was confused.  But this time actually had a reason to be confused.  ".... I thought Rosaline was a nun."

Rosaline grinned.  "That's my cover!"

"But I... but I..." Romeo tried to keep going, but his confusion got the best of him.  And he ran away.  Through the orchard wall.

Rosaline and Juliet were puzzled by this, but they took one look at each other and began erotically dancing to Gimme More once again.