Act 1, Scene 2

Down at the party, Benvolio and Mercutio forcefully dragged Romeo into the party who was crying like a baby.  "But I don't wanna go!  I don't wanna go!  Rosaline doesn't love me!  I hate you!  And that stupid screaming nurse is really effing annoying!"

Benvolio rolled his eyes as Mercutio continued to drag Romeo (literally) toward the party.  "So... umm... how do we know that there's going to be a party?" Mercutio asked, ignoring Romeo.

Benvolio said, "Juliet's dad made it quite obvious by screaming it at all of Verona."

Romeo sniffled and asked, "Well... will they have corndogs?"

"Yeah.  Lord Capulet always has corndogs, you know, even though Pizza Hut doesn't supply corndogs," Mercutio said.

"... I want Rosaline's corndog on a platter," Romeo giggled.

Benvolio stepped away from his friend.  "I didn't know... that you swung that way, Romeo."

"I don't!  Well... I mean, Rosaline has a corndog, right?"

Mercutio burst out into mad laughter.  "Oh, yes!  She totally has a corndog, Romeo!  Twice the size of your own!"

"How would you know?" Benvolio asked.

"I've seen both of them," Mercutio said with a shrug.

Romeo blinked, completely oblivious, holding a random corndog before they even get inside the Capulet's personal Pizza Hut.  "I just don't see what the big deal is with corndogs, you know?"

"... Never mind, Romeo," Mercutio said, only slightly disappointed that he had no one that really understood him.

And then, at the most random moment ever, Juliet walked up to Romeo and stole his corndog right before it entered his mouth to face its horrible death.  "I'll take that," she said as she swallowed it whole before walking back inside to the party.

Benvolio and Mercutio were captivated by the way Juliet had swallowed the corndog.  Mercutio peed himself from laughing so hard, and Benvolio was bright red, blushing.

"Romeo like her," Romeo claimed in a robotic voice.  "Romeo see you guys later.  Romeo follow pretty girl that swallowed my dog."

And, now willingly, Romeo entered the party.  He spotted the unknown chick on the other side of the room and ran like a dog to her side.  "H-h-h-h-.... eh..." Romeo tried to greet the pretty lady but failed miserably.

"Hola!" Juliet greeted him.

"Romeo hi I'm," Romeo tried to speak.

"Como te llamas?" Juliet asked.  

"What?" Romeo asked, confused and oblivious... again.

Juliet sighed.  "What is your name?"

"ROMEO!  THE GREAT!" Romeo claimed.

From across the room, Tybalt gazed lovingly at... eh... his cousin.   Yes, his cousin.  "Juliet!" he called.

"Shut up!" Juliet shouted back.  "I'm in love with a stripper!"

The nurse, once again, entered the scene randomly to scream like a banshee.  "TYBALT, I AM YOUR FATHER!" she screamed.

"... LIES!" Tybalt screamed back at her.  "I AM MY OWN FATHER!  AND MOTHER!  AND GRANDMOTHER!  I AM THE MESSIAH!"

Romeo leaned in to kiss Juliet in that moment because she was so out of it and distracted that she wouldn't be able to slap him even if he screwed up.  She turned though, and he ended up, you know, kissing her ear.  It tasted salty.

"My ear has just been violated!" Juliet cried.  

"I love you!" Romeo shouted.  "I love you, you damn stripper!"

Mercutio and Benvolio were at Romeo's side in a moment.  "She's mine," they both shouted, each grabbing one of the nurse's arms.

"... Yup, that's the stripper," Juliet confirmed for them as they dragged her nurse away from the party.

"Now, kiss me, you fiend!" Romeo begged, smashing his lips against Juliet's mouth.

Juliet belched right into Romeo's mouth and giggled.  But he didn't stop kissing her.  He thought that that was how it was supposed to be... and he thought it was sexy.  

That's when Benvolio and Mercutio ran back into the party.  They slid over to Romeo and screamed, "She's not a girl!  She's not a FEMALE!"

The nurse walked in, and they screamed ever louder.  Grabbing Romeo's collar, Mercutio and Benvolio made their exit.

"NO!" Romeo begged.  "MY CORNDOG!  SHE STILL HAS MY CORNDOG!"

"Who cares?!" Mercutio cried.  "The nurse is coming!  And she's angry!  ANGRY, I SAY!"

Juliet was a tad bit confused, but her attention was drawn to a fair nun in the middle of the room.  "Who's that?" she asked, stunned.

The nurse screamed from across the room, "THAT IS ROSALINE!  SHE IS MUTE!"

Rosaline glanced over at the nurse, and then her gaze shot over to Juliet.  "I am not," she said in a deep, manly voice.

Juliet shrugged.  "Let's put a Peep in the microwave together, Rosaline!" she invited.

"... What's a microwave?" Rosaline asked.

"You know," Juliet said.  "I really don't know.  Maybe we should ask corndog boy.  He's probably still outside.  Crying.  Because.  Well.  He didn't really get me to throw up his corndog sooo... one can only assume..."

"GET CORNDOG BOY!" Rosaline screamed as she ran from the party, and all Juliet heard was a loud crash and a girly squeal made by Romeo.  

"What the hell?!" she heard Mercutio shout.  "Violent nun!  Violent nun!"

"Oxymoron!  Oxymoron!" Benvolio pointed out.

"She's going to eat my intestines!" Romeo screamed.

Rosaline's heavy panting made her sound like a rabid animal, but she still had the sanity to ask, "WHAT IS A MICROWAVE?!  WHAT IS A MICROWAVE, CORNDOG BOY?!"

"I don't know!  I don't know!  You'll have to... umm..."

Benvolio rolled his eyes. "A microwave, my friends, is a kitchen appliance that uses electromagnetic waves called microwaves in order to heat up the water molecules in your food.  These waves can measure from one millimeter to one meter and can fit into a handy dandy box which is the microwave!"

Romeo, Rosaline, and Mercutio were about to ask about what the hell he was talking about, but the nurse had arrived... screaming.  As always.  In order to rid themselves of this horrid monstrosity, Mercutio decided to throw a brick at the old stripper's head.  And as he did so, he screamed, "Die, witch!  DIE!"

But when the brick collided with her head, the nurse merely stuck out her tongue and began licking boogers from her nose.  And yes, her tongue really is that long.  

Rosaline and Romeo flinched at the sight, and Benvolio just kinda... covered his eyes.  Mercutio stared in amazement and claimed, "I wanna learn how to do that!  That's effing awesome!"

The nurse smiled, twitched, and said, "Then come with me, little boy.  I have a camera... and candy..."

In a trance, Mercutio began to follow the nurse into her shack that randomly popped up in front of the Pizza Hut.  All the while, Benvolio tried to call his friend back to him.  "No!  Mercutio, you idiot!  She's going to do... things.  And you won't like them!  Or... well, maybe you will.  But... still!  You're going to get some sort of disease from that... that... thing!"

The nurse turned back to Benvolio slowly and began to ROAR.  "SHUT THE--"

Rosaline wasn't about to let this story become inappropriate for children under the age of ten, so she roared right back at the nurse.  Romeo soon joined in, and Juliet started roaring from inside the Pizza Hut.  Benvolio was slightly afraid so he dove under a bush.  "This isn't real," he promised himself.  "This isn't real.  This isn't real.  My therapist says that this isn't real!"

Even though Mercutio was already in the nurse's shack, he appeared behind Benvolio and hissed, "This time... it's real.  And you know what else?"

"What?"

"... I'm in love with a stripper."

"Which one?" Benvolio asked, raising an eyebrow.

Mercutio thought a moment.  "... There's more than one?!  No one ever told me... Oh.  Yeah they did.  Never mind."

"Okay, therapist, now how do we shut the nurse up?" Benvolio asked, trying to change the subject.

Mercutio shrugged.  "Just... eat her?"

"No."

"Kill her?"

Mercutio and Benvolio's pondering distracted them, and they missed the whole part of the screaming where Rosaline roared, "I AM A LESBIAN!"

"A what?" Romeo asked.

Rosaline sighed and leaned over to grab Benvolio from under the bush.  She held him up to Romeo and ordered, "Explain this to corndog boy... por favor."

Benvolio hesitated, but eventually he said, "A lesbian... is a woman that finds herself very emotionally, physically, or sexually backwards... in a way."

"So..." Romeo urged on.  "I still don't get it."

Benvolio slapped his palm to his forehead.  "A lesbian is a woman that is attracted to other women.  Not to men."

Romeo blinked.  "Eh?"

"IT'S A WOMAN THAT DOES OTHER WOMEN!" Benvolio screamed impatiently.

At this point, everyone was staring at Benvolio.  The nurse had mysteriously disappeared with Mercutio (Dun, dun, duuun...), and the only people really listening were Rosaline and Romeo.  And Romeo finally got it.  "Ooooh, I get it!" he finally said.

Rosaline whacked the back of Romeo's head.  "Duh!"

Benvolio hated to interrupt due to the fear of being smacked by Rosaline, but he squeaked, "Can I be put down now?  Por favor?"
"Gah, fine..." Rosaline agreed, and she dropped him.
Benvolio ran away from the two "chicks" and disappeared into the night, not to return until the next morning when things had finally, you know, died down.  Or something.